The Greasy Git Of Hogwarts
by Hime D
Summary: [NON-SLASH] One night Remus Lupin found Severus Snape brooding in the kitchen alone. Caught by curiosity, Remus asked what's wrong and found out that Severus was just another average guy despite of his usual greasy-ness.


* * * * * * *   
  
THE GREASY GIT OF HOGWARTS  
  
by Hime D.   
  
* * * * * * *  
  
"What are you thinking of, Severus?"   
  
It's three o'clock in a winter morning and I happened to crave for a mug of hot chocolate to accompany me with my research when I went to the kitchen and found instead one brooding Severus Snape. It's not as if Severus never brood. Oh no, people who know Severus as long as I have would have known by then that brooding comes to Severus just as natural as little birds to singing and chirping.   
  
"It's none of your business, Lupin," the man retorts with the usual bitterness in his voice.   
  
Wait, check that once again. That would be more bitterness than usual in his voice. I feel myself raising an eyebrow involuntarily. I know that it takes a lot to make this, err, friend of mine, err, or so I would like to think but that can wait later, to, err, be bitter enough to dampen the air around him, err, or so to speak. I shake my head exasperatedly. Too much late night researches and this is what I got: a befuddled brain that refuses to function to anything but books. I wonder what Sirius would have said.   
  
"Alright," I say, deciding to not pursue the matter and resume walking toward the counter where Molly stores the can containing the cocoa powder. I take out the can and put it on the counter along with a mug. There is milk left on the fridge enough for four helpings, so I put it all in the pan I found. Pointing my wand to it, it took no time to boil. I add seven tablespoon of cocoa (no sugar, please) and stir, my eyes looking for cinnamon. I find them in the cupboard filled with other spices as well and help myself with a dash on the cocoa. After stirring it again for a while, I decide the hot chocolate brew is drinkable.   
  
Silence lapses for a while. None of us says anything as we sit face to face, me enjoying my drink and Severus continuing his brooding, although he seems to grow more and more uncomfortable with my presence (ha! Take that for a change). He must have been able not to ignore my blank gaze, a habit I pick up whenever I try to focus on a mental task, or maybe he just decided that I could be a *worthy* listener (ha ha!), because as I look down at my now-empty mug, pondering for a second helping, he suddenly blurts out, "I heard some students talking in the hall."   
  
Alright, that explains everything... not. But I know better than to throw sarcastic remark to him at this point and risking him refusing to talk further. "And?" I coax.   
  
"They said I'm a greasy git."   
  
Silence followed that statement.   
  
Now, suppose you're in my position. You had a, err, tentative friend that you knew hated the gut of yours more than anything in the world and he was sitting in front of you saying that he was brooding because he heard that he was a greasy git, a fact that has been long established by you and your dead friends. What would you do? Saying that I was speechless would be an understatement. But I was snapped out of my reverie with the realization that Severus has started to look very uncomfortable from my lack of response.   
  
I clear my throat and ask him, "And what is the problem with that?" He just shrugs, but I noticed that he looks pretty self-conscious, so I dare myself to ask again. "Are you... bothered? Or is there something you haven't told me?"   
  
He looks like he has a major debate going in his head. Deciding that he will probably some time to himself, I busy myself with going to the counter and refill my mug. I give myself a second thought and reach for another mug and fill it in with hot chocolate as well. Finishing, I walk across the room and place the fresh mug of chocolate in front of Severus. As he looks up at me in surprise, I say, "Chocolate is always good for your health and it helps clearing up the mind. Or I hope it does." I give him what I hope passes as a warm smile.   
  
We sit in silence again, and it is Severus again who breaks it. "Lupin, I'm 36 this year and I'm not married."   
  
I give him an encouraging nod, even though I'm bloody confused inside.   
  
Severus continues, "Before I went to Hogwarts I used to think that I would go to school, get good marks, meet a nice girl in my last year, graduate as a top student, be a good teacher, get married in 25 and have 3 kids to continue the family line. Look at me now." He rolls up the sleeve of his robe, showing the Dark Mark under it. "I'm a Death Eater, spy for the Order, and a greasy git whom no woman will look at twice. How am I supposed to continue the family line? And I can't even give that job to my brother because they're all dead and there's no Snape left in the family but me."   
  
That leaves me flabbergasted. Severus Snape? Worrying about his heirloom? About marriage? But then again, he comes from an old wizarding family. As opposed as he is to Lord Voldemort, he will be worrying about bloodline. It is something that comes natural for human. Muggles or wizards and witches, most of us worry about life, death, and procreation. Well, except those who decided to stay alone forever. But then again, not many can stay virgin after they leave twenty.   
  
I look at the nervous man in front of me and suddenly remember the nervous boy he was once.   
  
"Tell you what," I tell him with a smile. "I'll try to help you."   
  
He looks at me in disbelief. "You? Trying to help me? You don't even *have* a girlfriend!"   
  
I feel my face turning sour briefly before schooling it into a pout. I reply back at him in hopefully playful tone, "It's not like I have any choice upon the matter." I must have let some bitterness slip out because he managed to look sheepish. Deciding that I should be a good man at least for the night, I continued. "Anyway, I may not have first hand experience on fashion, dating, or whatever it is to attract a woman, but I do have first hand experience in helping James with Lily." And not to mention with Sirius' vanity but that is a totally different story. "I can't find you a date, you'll have to do it by yourself, but I can help you with you appearance... and personality, if you don't mind."   
  
He frowns. "What's wrong with my personality?"   
  
I have to refrain myself from the urge to roll my eyes and say 'everything'. Instead, I say, "Well, some departments can use some fix or two."   
  
He seems to ponder at my offer, judging from his doubtful expression. However, he finally gives out a sigh and nods his approval.   
  
I drink the last of my hot chocolate, all the while wondering what Severus has smoked to make him bare his heart to me, the werewolf he has been hating for years. My dead friends must be laughing at me beyond their graves right now.   
  
* * * * * * *   
  
Two days passed. I find myself in the dungeon, waiting for Severus to finish his last class. It happens that Dumbledore needed my presence in his office this afternoon, so I decided that today might as well be the day of Severus' fashion lecture (ha ha ha! I'm going to soooo enjoy this).   
  
It also happens that the last class is Advanced Potions that Harry and Hermione are taking. As the class ended, the two spot me outside of the door and come to me. "Professor Lupin!" they both exclaim.   
  
"It's Remus," I correct them.   
  
They just grin sheepishly. "What are you doing here, Remus?" Harry asks.   
  
I smile at him. "I have some errands to run. Also Severus seems to need some help, so I decided to stop by."   
  
"Snape?"   
  
"Yes. And, ah, Hermione, do you have anything to do after this?"   
  
"No. Why?"   
  
"Good. I can use some help. But your dinner?"   
  
"I can always go to the kitchen later."   
  
Harry seem to be very curious, but after I tell him to ask Hermione later, he just shrugs and goes off, presumably to the Great Hall for dinner. I motion Hermione to follow me back into the class.   
  
Severus is arranging some scrolls on the desk. He look up when I come in, seem to understand my purpose here already, but he frowns at the sight of Hermione. "Why is she here?" he asks venomously.   
  
Hermione, used to Severus' venom, seems to be unfazed. I chuckle and answer pleasantly. "We need a woman's advice in our project this time, Severus, so forgive me if I insist her to be here. But then again, I can always ask Tonks or Minerva...." I trail.   
  
Severus looks taken aback. I'm sure he knows that Minerva is not exactly the best in fashion and Tonks.... Well, let's just say that Severus will never live it down. Hermione is obviously the best choice. She won't blab it to anyone including her bestfriends Harry and Ron if she is asked to. "...Fine," he finally says. Then he adds, "We'll do it in my office."   
  
"What are we going to do, Sir?" Hermione asks as we arrive in Severus' office.   
  
I have to fight the crazy urge to grin. "We are getting Severus a new look."   
  
Both Hermione and Severus' expressions are priceless.   
  
* * * * * * *   
  
"Too greasy," Hermione decides.  
  
Severus' glare could have made her combust. "They are natural grease, Miss Granger."   
  
I stare at Severus, pondering how to make his hair look less greasy. "Color change?"   
  
Severus looks horrified at the prospect.   
  
Hermione nods in agreement. "Light color will make it look less greasy."   
  
"Blond?"   
  
"Err... I don't think so. Light brown?"   
  
"Like mine? No, thank you. Red?"   
  
"Please, no. White? It'll make him look sophisticated."   
  
Severus and I give her a Look.   
  
She smiles sheepishly. "Okay, maybe not. But honestly, light brown is nice."   
  
I roll my eyes. Maybe this is my punishment. Whatever. But maybe it won't be too bad because Severus is looking more murderous than ever. James, Sirius, laugh all you will from your graves; I'm the one suffering here. "Fine. But I think we need some cut as well."   
  
"Something shorter...." I pick on his hair. "Something that won't look bad even though you don't brush it for days."   
  
"I think Professor's hair is straight enough for shaggy cut but not too straight to make it look too flat," Hermione suggested.   
  
"Would four inches be good?"   
  
"Hmm.... Oh, yes. And how about some sideburns?"   
  
"Not longer than the end of his ears, thought."   
  
"Ooh, I can picture it already."   
  
I'm really getting a kick out of this, ain't I?   
  
* * * * * * *   
  
"Black is nice enough, I guess. It won't look as bad now that his hair looks lighter."   
  
"A little white will look good on the collars as well. But I think we should change most of them into some other colors."   
  
"Earth colors."   
  
"Right."   
  
"Dark brown... medium brown.... You won't mind dark green, right, Severus?"   
  
He just shrugs.   
  
"Alright, dark green too." I can't resist adding, "Blood red?"   
  
His glare is sufficient enough an answer.   
  
* * * * * * *   
  
Hermione and I stand in front of Severus, admiring our masterpiece.   
  
"Not bad, ay?"   
  
"Not bad at all, Prof... err, Remus."   
  
"What do you think, Severus?"   
  
The Potions Master is busy staring at his own reflection in the mirror. The shorter and lighter hair indeed fits him more than the one he usually have. It makes him looks... err... relatively handsome (I can hear Sirius screaming in horror somewhere inside my head). We made him wear the dark brown robes with white high collar and medium brown suit. We even managed to make him wear a black tie. I have never expected to see the day when Severus can actually look good. I can almost imagine James and Sirius' face if they're alive to see this.   
  
Severus seems to have lost his voice because all he can do is nodding his approval.   
  
"Good!" I say cheerfully. "Now, on the personality department, I think the only problem with you is your poisonous tongue."   
  
He tries to glare at me, but somehow the usual effect is ruined by his new look. He looks unamused instead, which in my opinion will do well in womanizing department.   
  
I walk to my bad and take out a voodoo doll made out of ropes out, passing it to a bewildered Severus. "Instead of talking it out, you can always stab this with anything you want. Just imagine it to be the one you want to torture. I know you are good at emotion management and I understand that your behavior toward the students is your only emotional outlet that you would allow...." He looks up in surprise. Does he think I'm fool enough not to realize it? He's not the only one with superb emotional control here. It takes one to know one. "And you know how that works, right?"   
  
His face becomes emotionless, but I can see the gleam in his eyes. Oh my, have I just created a monster? Wait, he's a monster already. Hermione seems to notice this as well, for she is inching toward the door already.   
  
"I'll see what I can do," Severus says finally.   
  
I smile pleasantly at him. "Good. Now, if you'll excuse us, Hermione and me have a dinner to catch up."   
  
I pick up my bag and join Hermione on the exit, but I am still in the hearing range when he mumbles, "Thanks, Lupin."   
  
I pretend not to hear anything.   
  
* * * * * * *   
  
I think they're right when they say that appearance influences your personality and vise versa.   
  
I heard less and less complaining about Severus from Harry. His last weekly letter even mention his amusement on how girls in his year can easily forget the old poisonous Snape and worship his new look (he even said that Lavender and Parvati had develop a constant giggle around the old man). I still remember Harry's first letter after Hermione and my 'adventure'. It was somewhere along the line of "REMUS J. LUPIN, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO SNAPE???!!!" and "I'm impressed. You should do the same to yourself" (Like father like son. Prats).   
  
This morning I received a letter from Snape, telling me that he have a date with a twenty five years old woman he met in Hogsmead last week and asking for advises. Great, not only that I have became Severus' fashion advisor, now I'm officially his love life advisor as well. How ironic, for I myself won't be able to find a mate due to my conditions.   
  
Not that I mind. It's always fun to know you have your ex-enemy at your dispose.   
  
Now... for his date.... Roses? Or Lilies?   
  
* * * * * * * *   
  
END   
  
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What do you think? Not bad for a first HP ficcie, I hope. C&Cs are very welcomed.   
  
Just for a note, I got the idea for this story when I saw a picture of Alan Rickman and decided that Snape *can* look handsome if he puts an effort in it. You can see the picture in following URL: http://www.alan-rickman.nl/ss6.jpg   
  
Thank you for reading!   
  
Hime D. (2003/09/09) 


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